He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
