so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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