I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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