I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
