I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
