There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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