i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
