i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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