Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
