i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
