Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
