New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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