i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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