with your own penis?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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