and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
