Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
