Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
