Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize