I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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