I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
