How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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