you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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