Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
