I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
