Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
