Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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