Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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