i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
