i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
