The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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