when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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