90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
false alarm, still single
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
