I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
