Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
