last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize