I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
