I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
