This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
