I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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