I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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