So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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