How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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