Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
wanna go halves on a baby?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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