Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
