I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
