i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
