is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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