I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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