I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
When are your genitals available?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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