That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
