I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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