i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
