He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
