My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
