I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
