I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You need a sexual gate keeper
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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