So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
