Do you still have your period?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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