Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
