Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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